The Graveyard
by ShoveABezoarDownTheirThroats
Summary: What should have happened in the graveyard on the night Voldemort returned. Just a dumb, little fanfic I wrote. Enjoy! Set in 4th year; Goblet of Fire.


****DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to it. I also don't pwn Wizards of Wacerly Place****

**Just a short fanfic I wrote when procrastinating on homework. It's kind of dumb but I hope it makes you laugh, or at least giggle.**

Harry Potter was stuck- he knew that. The ropes that bound him to the cold, marble tombstone were tight, and it was no use fighting them. He was not, however, frightened. Yes, death seemed inevitable when one was bound tightly to a rock, with Lord Voldemort himself pacing around you, telling the story of his own pathetic childhood. But he had heard whispers from Muggle children that there were still three more books and, though he wasn't quite sure what this meant, he had an idea that he couldn't die quite yet, so there was no reason to be frightened. Voldemort continued on with his story, speaking in a way that was so overly dramatic it fell into the category of "lame" and paying absolutely no attention to the fact that Harry had long since bored of his tale and was now picking at his nails, completely ignoring everything Voldemort was saying.

Harry finally became frustrated with this incredibly long narrative that was showing no signs of stopping anytime soon, and looked up from the hangnail he was pulling at to ask, "Could we just get on with it, then?"

Voldemort turned around to face him, narrowing his gleaming red eyes, "Excuse me?" he asked in an abnormally high-pitched voice one would not expect from the darkest wizard of all time.

Harry rolled his eyes, "You know, the part where you try to kill me, I survive because of some unheard of magic that wasn't mentioned before, and we both go about our merry way?"

"Yes, yes, _fine_," he said in that voice Harry was starting to find exceedingly annoying, "Wormtail, give me your arm!" he commanded

Wormtail, who had been sobbing on the ground, looked up at Voldemort and clutched his hand-less arm.

"Oh stop your blubbering, you big baby!" said Voldemort, looking increasingly irritated, "You're not going to die. Do you want me to_ give_ you a reason to cry?"

Wormtail began to quiver in fear and slowly stood up, holding his arm out towards Voldemort. Voldemort forced the sleeve of Wormtail's robes up past his elbow and touched his skinny, white finger to the Dark Mark, which instantly turned black. He smiled in triumph.

Harry had no idea what had just happened, nor did he really care; he just wanted to get back to Hogwarts in time for supper. His stomach was starting to grumble and if he didn't get back soon, Ron would have eaten all the food.

Suddenly, the night was full with the sound of swishing cloaks as the hooded, masked Death Eaters arrived. They formed a line in front of Voldemort, each waiting his turn to kiss the hem of Voldemort's robes.

"Pathetic," Harry mumbled to himself.

"Hey Voldy," he called. The Death Eaters gasped at Harry's impertinence.

Voldemort smirked at Harry, "What is it, _Potty_?" he said.

"Oh, my feelings are so hurt," Harry said sarcastically, "_Anyway,_ I was wondering if it was alright if I didn't kiss your robes? Because you know, I'm not really sure where they came from, and there's also the fact that you're touching them, if you get what I'm saying."

A Death Eater snickered.

"SHUT UP!" Voldemort roared. In his anger, he forgot he was a wizard and instead hurled a rock at Harry's face, which, by the way, missed by a couple of feet due to his terrible aim. "You are all ruining my good mood!" shouted Voldemort, stomping his foot. "I will NOT be insulted! As for you, Lucius," he said, referring to the snickering Death Eater, "You have NO room to talk! Or snicker! You're only like, forty and your hair is already completely white!"

The other Death Eaters chuckled at this.

"At least I _have_ hair," Lucius mumbled to himself. Fortunately for him, Voldemort didn't hear this remark.

"Now, can you all please just shut up so I can get on with my story?" Voldemort said. Everyone stopped their rustlings and stood looking at Voldemort attentively. "_Thank you_. Now, as I was going to say before Potter here so rudely interrupted," he paused and glared at Harry. Harry smiled back. "They have called this boy my downfall. You all know, of course, that on the night I tried to kill him I destroyed my own body and my powers."

Harry grinned, "Go little me!" he said.

Voldemort pretended like he didn't hear him. "_So_," he said, clearly eager to finish his tale, "When his mother died in an attempt to save baby Harry's life, she provided him with the ultimate protection and I could not touch him." Voldemort paused for effect, hoping to hear a few gasps of disbelief.

Instead, he saw the Death Eaters were not paying him any attention whatsoever. Avery and MacNair were involved in a very intense game of tic-tac-toe. Lucius was talking to the snake on his cane, Crabbe and Goyle had both fallen asleep, and Nott was skipping rope with a small bunch surrounding him, counting how many times he jumped. Wormtail was kissing his hand, and the others were reading, stargazing, and one Death Eater even had out his iPod Touch, whatever that was. Harry was amusing himself by mimicking Voldemort's hand motions behind his back, along with exaggerated facial features.

A muscle twitched in Voldemort's cheek, then: "SILENCIO!" and everything went quiet; probably because Voldemort had just cast a Silencing Charm on everyone. Well, not everyone; Harry, being behind Voldemort wasn't silenced and began giggling freakishly. Voldemort ignored him.

"All of you better shut up," even though they couldn't speak because they had just been silenced, "and pay attention to ME! Or I'll—I'll kill every last one of you!" The Death Eaters eyes widened in fear and Lucius began crying noiselessly. "Ok well, maybe not kill you," Voldemort said slowly, "Just maim or- or seriously injure! So, if you would all be so kind, I would like to get on with my story!" The Death Eaters all nodded.

"Alright, where was I?" Voldemort asked himself, "Oh yeah! Ok, so Lily's sacrifice made it impossible for me to touch the child, but tonight, I will show you a most extraordinary thing: I can touch him!" The Death Eaters looked at each other incredulously.

Avery raised his hand. "Yes, Avery?" asked Voldemort, pointing at him. Avery opened his mouth to speak but, as you may have guessed, no sound came out.

I'm sure being a seriously evil Dark wizard is very tiring and that is probably why Voldemort didn't remember the Silencing Charm he had cast not five minutes ago, and it most likely has nothing to do with the fact that he has a lower than average I.Q.

Voldemort made an impatient noise in the back of his throat and said the countercharm.

"Thank you, my Lord," said Avery, bowing. "I was trying to ask, how is it that you can touch him now?"

"That's not important!" Voldemort said, looking very frustrated, "The point is I can touch him!"

"Okay, okay," said Avery, bringing his hands up in front of his shoulders and slowly backing away, "Sorry I asked. Geez."

Voldemort glared around at the other Death Eaters as if daring them to ask him another stupid question. "Alright. Now, _watch_! I—can—touch—him!" he said dramatically, turning to face Harry.

"This is what we've been waiting for? You've had me tied to this tombstone for two _hours_ just so you could poke me?" Harry asked, starting to feel a bit annoyed. "Don't they have facebook for that?"

Voldemort stopped, confusion showing on his white face. "What is this 'facebook'?" he asked.

"Never mind, you idiot," Harry mumbled. "But I'm warning you, if you lay your dirty finger on me I'll—I'll bite it off!"

Voldemort laughed and continued climatically and slowly moving his long, pale finger towards Harry's face. "I can touch—AARGH!" Voldemort let out a high-pitched scream that sounded as if it should belong to a small girl. "How DARE you!" he screamed.

Harry's teeth were tightly clenched around Voldemort's skinny finger but his features quickly rearranged themselves into a look of utter revulsion and he spat the finger out. "Oh my goodness!" cried Harry, looking absolutely revolted, "Your finger was in my mouth! I'm going to get your disease!"

Voldemort stopped kissing his injured finger and looked up at Harry, obviously baffled. "What disease?" he asked, "I don't have a disease!"

Harry rolled his eyes at Voldemort's stupidity. "The one that makes you lose all your hair and causes your nose to fall off your face," he said, gingerly feeling his own nose. "Do you think it looks like it's about to come off?" he asked nervously.

Voldemort narrowed his eyes at Harry. "No, but I could take it off for you, if you like."

Harry shook his head. "No thanks," he said, "Hmm, I suppose yours just couldn't stand being on your ugly face anymore," he added thoughtfully.

Voldemort gave Harry another evil glare before turning to face the Death Eaters. "Ok, that was just a warm-up," he said, "Now, I—can—touch—him!" Voldemort turned once more to Harry and raised his skinny white finger.

Slowly, he reached towards Harry, coming within inches of his face when— he reached some kind of invisible barrier; something was stopping him from touching Harry. "What kind of magic is this?" he asked incredulously.

Harry gave a wide, mischievous grin, "Force field," he said smugly.

Voldemort was now trying repeatedly to get through Harry's force field while the Death Eaters looked on in stunned silence. "There is—no such—thing!" he grunted.

"Then why can't you touch me?" Harry taunted.

Voldemort gave no reply.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I just have to make a call to Dumbledore," said Harry, pulling his arm out of the rope bonds and grabbing his wand from his pocket. He held it up and started pressing it in random spots saying, "boop, beep, beep, bop, boop, bee, boop,"

Voldemort surveyed him suspiciously, what was this idiot child doing now?

Harry took the wand and held it up to his ear, just like one would to use a Muggle telephone. After a few seconds he said, "Ah yes, Professor Dumbledore? This is Harry Potter," he paused.

Voldemort could hear Dumbledore's voice coming out of the end of Harry's wand. The Death Eater's looked at each other in amazement and began whispering excitedly.

"Whoa," said MacNair, "That's amazing!"

Avery nodded in agreement. "Did you know you could do that?" he asked.

Nott shook his head, "I've never heard of such a thing."

"I have," said Lucius.

The Death Eaters smirked at each other.

"Really, I have!" he said, "It was on _Wizards of Waverly Place!"_

The Death Eaters all burst out laughing.

"Isn't that a Muggle show for small children?" asked Nott.

Lucius stomped his foot, "It's not for little kids!" he cried, "That's me and Snakey's favorite show! Isn't it, Snakey?" he asked his cane.

"Quiet!" yelled Voldemort amidst all the hysterical giggling, "I can't hear what Potter is saying!"

Harry was feeling quite annoyed. "Well, I _was_ in the Triwizard Tournament but now I'm stuck in a graveyard with a bunch of Death Eaters and ole' Voldy himself!" he paused again, allowing Dumbledore to speak. "I don't care that Wipeout is on, you senile old man!" Harry shouted into his wand, "Captain Baldemort is trying to get through my force field!"

Voldemort heard Dumbledore shout, "Your force field? Oh no, he doesn't!"

Harry rolled his eyes in exasperation, "I'm glad you understand the importance of the situation but—Hello? HELLO? Dang, that imbecile hung up on me!" Harry said shoving his wand back into his pocket.

Voldemort looked around at the Death Eaters then at Harry, "Right, well, I guess-" but his words were drowned out by a loud popping noise and the sound of angels singing.

"What the-?" Voldemort spun around and saw a tall old man with long white hair and a very crooked nose. "Dumbledore!" he gasped.

The Death Eaters knew better than to mess with Dumbledore; they took one look at him, turned, and ran for their lives.

"Yeah, before we make introductions could someone please untie me?" Harry said pulling at the bonds.

"Of course, Harry," said Dumbledore, his blue eyes twinkling creepily.

Voldemort looked appalled, "Wait, wait, _wait!_" he cried, "You can't just take my prisoner! I captured him fair and square!"

Dumbledore looked Voldemort in the eye and said, very seriously, "I can do whatever I want because I'm Albus Dumbledore."

Voldemort gulped. "Right, of—of course! I—I didn't mean it, O Wise One. It was just—just a joke!"

Dumbledore's sparkly eyes narrowed.

Voldemort looked terrified, "Umm, I think I'll just be going then." And with a small pop he Disapparated.

Dumbledore untied Harry, frowning slightly.

"What's wrong, sir?" Harry asked.

"I hadn't seen that episode before," answered Dumbledore softly, "and I had to miss it just to come save you, it'd be nice if you were a little more grateful."

"What do you mean, 'more grateful'?" Harry hollered, "I've been chained to this blasted tombstone for two _hours_, I accidently tasted Voldemort, and then he was corrupting my force field! And you're complaining about missing a television show?"

Dumbledore raised one eyebrow and with a _crack_ he, too, Disapparated.

Harry looked around the graveyard; there was not a soul in sight. Well, unless you counted Lucius, who was cowering behind the nearest tombstone.

"I was kidding!" Harry called into the night, "C'mon Dumbledore, you can't leave me here!"

He scowled, and started walking towards Lucius, hoping he would at least be able to show Harry the way to Hogwarts.

**Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it! Even if you didn't, please review!**


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